2 steps forward, 10 steps back

The nature of the beast. Last week I tasted the sweetness of what I thought was healing. I saw and felt the sun, I felt positive, I felt happy. I allowed myself to believe this was the start. I smiled, I felt the shifts beginning inside of me.

My psychiatrist had been away working nights, so on the Monday after not seeing her for a couple of weeks, I looked forward to showing her this improved self. More like myself.

However, this was not to be. The beast took its grip once more. Reminding me that to extent I am it’s mercy and I can never become complacement.

Sunday night I had a succession of cruel, violent, shocking nightmares. Unlike anything I have experienced for long time. I have no idea what prompted this. Each one woke me up in panic, terrified, upset, rocked to the core. I was able to sleep again, but then another nightmare. Equally as shocking, vivid, violent, graphic. I felt ripped apart.

By morning I was just a shell of myself. I could barely think/move.

By the time i saw the Dr, I couldn’t fake the mood I’d previously been in. I sat there with lank hair, no doubt the 1000 yard stare, I was anxious, jumpy, sad, I just felt terrible. I tried to tiredly and without much enthusiasm sell how id been the previous week. It sounded unbelievable. I WAS happy, I WAS content, I WAS feeling better, it’s just the nightmares you see.

Clearly she struggled to imagine anything past the state I was in and increased my medication again.

The following day, I heard news about someone from my past. The information was volunteered in a bid to make me feel better.

But here’s the thing, for some people, closure comes in knowing other people are suffering. And that’s fine. I can understand that, and respect that. For me, when the devil has come into my life, I don’t want it to come back into my life. Ever. Through any form. Particularly through the someone I care about it. It reinforces it’s insidious, dark nature, that it can always get to me. That I can never be free. There is a part of me, the dark curious part that wants to know, but that’s just natural human curiousty, I refuse to give into that. It’s that same curiosity that wants to look at a car crash. It’s morbid.

I feel miserable. I’m wondering if I can get through this. I feel weak and tired. Last week I’m sure was a promise and not a cruel joke.

Damn these stupid nightmares.


2 thoughts on “2 steps forward, 10 steps back

  1. Hi Penny,

    I’m sorry you felt so bad.. I know healing sometimes takes you to a very bad place. I recognise the feeling that sometimes I’m on top of the world and the next time I’m feeling utterly destroyed.

    I hope you feel a bit better now.



    1. Hi Fenna

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my blog, it’s much appreciated. Certainly there is no rhythm or reason to when these feelings come. But writing is very carthetic. I also hope it helps at least one person to feel less alone.

      Thanks again,

      Penny x


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