In the thick of the fog, it can be easy to forget there are clearer days. And those you must hang onto for dear life.
On Tuesday when I’d asked my husband to come home early, although defeated, I did rest. I did need it. In the evening I was able to eat some dinner and watch some TV. A small thing isn’t it? But a push of energy from me. Plus TV can be over stimulating and/or triggering for my poor old brain. But it was nice to feel a bit more normal.
Wednesday, I had an old tattoo that I had when was 18 covered over by a wonderful, talented artist locally. I’m so pleased with the result, although I could have cancelled the appointment, I didn’t want to let her down. So a few hours of a passionate artist tidying an old tacky tattoo was really inspiring.
An early night followed. With my phone strictly turned off!
So today I felt refreshed, ready for therapy. I’m by no means through the worst, I realise that. But when I can take a moment to feel the heat of the sun, see the city landscape and feel at home, I relish those moments. They are tender kisses of life. A promise of what I can have.
Anne commented there was a spark of me today.
Don’t get me wrong, 15 minutes prior I’d just argued with someone via text, they thought I was unreasonable, and vice versa, but that happens a lot at any time in my life, it comes with me being feisty and passionate. I don’t apologise for who I am. I have many, many faults, but I love, and I’m loyal and I’ll fight for those I believe in, because god knows, when you have been knocked down and left for dead as many times as I have, your instinct is not to walk away. Unfortunately that means I’m often the one putting a lot out and left standing alone. Something I really need to work on.
So we kept therapy light today. Being low it’s not healthy to push through the trauma work. I need to feel better in myself, stronger. But it’s frustrating! I wish to purge myself of all this ugly inside.
It feels a bit like a false economy, I get better only to work on the trauma again. I won’t get so low again because I’ll be on the correct medication for one. Plus there were a lot of contributing factors to the increase in PTSD symptoms. They have been identified and managed now.
Looking inwardly is a very difficult thing to do. We all aspire to be better human beings – except narcissists and psychopaths of course! Some of us, ok, ME (!), feel the need to over compensate on perceived weaknesses by helping others. Constantly. In all of my previous work I gave EVERYTHING to my clients. And I could never really shut down. I worry about my friends a lot. I cross the line with my incessant meddling and I forget about empowering people and kind of just take over instead. It’s not all altruistic, I get the pay off knowing I helped someone, distracted from my own issues and I have a sense of control.
This blog is the first time I’ve been completely honest about my disposition. There’s a lack of control – I don’t know what people are going to think. There’s the inherent fear, I will be perceived as being weak. Will people think of me differently? Slightly more insane than initially thought?!
My entire life has been about half truths, saving face, keeping up the good fight, sweeping things under the rug, not letting emotions show, no freedom of expression at all. I’m only just really learning how to cry. In the last couple of years I’ve become more affectionate.
So I must conclude that I’m evolving. And there are going to be terrible bits and not so bad bits and ok bits and hopefully good bits. A lot of other people had their childhood and teenage years for this.