Birthday

I had a really lovely birthday yesterday. At my school the kids sang to me, the staff room wished me happy birthday, then I went to Steve’s and he ordered pizza – my favourite! The kids gave me sunflowers, chocolates and a few other bits. All picked out especially. I felt really loved.

My job is going really well. I love the kids I’m working with, and the staff are really supportive. Complete change from my last job. I feel tired at the end of the day, but nice tired, not drained. And I can spend more time with my kids and share my day with them. I feel really fortunate to have found something I really enjoy and am valued at.

I’m still battling with Studylink, the organisation responsible for student allowances, so I’m a bit anxious about that, but I’m continuing with study and hope it’ll come good. I’m managing study and work really well at the moment.

My mental health is good, helped so much by having a new work environment.

Things between Steve and me are really up and down. Sometimes it’s really nice and he’s really helpful. Other times he just shuts down and seems really irritated by me. I can’t seem to win.

I’m heading to a spiritual fair today with a friend of mine. I’m going to see a guy that told me a couple of years ago I’d be working with young children, which i dismissed as complete nonsense at the time!

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University work

I’m back from Hamilton and so happy to be with my kids.

I’m still completely overwhelmed with the uni stuff and don’t have a clue what I’m doing. Fortunately Steve is really intelligent and good with computers so he was able to sort out some of the software for me, but even he struggled. The platforms are so unuser friendly.

I have got my first assignment done and dropped off though – phew!

All of this might be for nothing though if I don’t get my student allowance approved. I’m quite stressed about that. I’ll find out next week.

My mood still isn’t quite right. But the fact I drove to Hamilton and participated in the orientation week is testament to my new medication routine and desperation not to fall into a terrible depression. I still struggle to get up and get ready, but I really hope that will pass eventually.

I’ll be glad to get next week confirmed

University

So here I am up in Hamilton, in the Waikato.

It’s orientation week at the university so I drove the 7 hours yesterday.

Today I’m feeling really overwhelmed. There is just so much information to take in. I’m doubting my capabilities. There’s also a lot of people so I’m feeling very anxious.

This morning it was really hard to get out of bed. I still feel the blanket of depression and my internal monologue is very unkind. I just had to force one foot forward. To make matters worse, when I got to the uni, I couldn’t find parking so I had to turn around, go back to my motel and then call a taxi. There literally weren’t any spots and I drove miles away. Having my car accessible is a big help to me with my anxiety, so I felt totally out of my comfort zone. After the long day I had to wait for a taxi back.

I’m filled with so much doubt and feeling really overwhelmed. I hope it gets easier as the week goes on.

School

I’ve started my new job as a Teacher Aide and it’s bloody hard work! I have a new found respect for teachers! Everyone seems really nice so it’s a nice change from the toxic environment I’d gotten used too. What I really love though is having my kids here at mine and being able to take them to school and pick them up. I’ve really missed being so involved with them. It also takes the pressure off Steve because he was the one having to race around after the kids.

I’m already learning a lot. I just hope my stamina quickly improves.

I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. I might ask for the Effexor to be increased. I don’t feel low like I did before, but I’m still incredibly anxious. Although I guess that’s part of starting a new job. Especially in an area I know nothing about.

I’m taking each day at a time. To have a new job is a real relief, although I won’t feel the financial benefit for a couple of weeks and it’s a bit stressful because I’m only working part time. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to study. The financial burden might be too much.

So yeah, things are getting better.

MS and future plans

I saw my GP today as I’ve been suffering with what I’d class as extreme exhaustion. I know I’m in a low which means I’m usually lethargic and demotivated, but this seems somehow worse. I see it’s one of many symptoms of MS, and as the neurologist told me to look out for symptoms following my mri last year, I wondered if this was the start. I’ve not been experiencing any other symptoms, although of course, depression and anxiety offer a similar lot of symptoms. Unexplained pains and weakness. My GP was fairly sure that this wasn’t a precursor to MS and instead a combination of my medication, the heat (we’ve been suffering a heatwave recently) and the low I’m in. But she’s ordered some blood tests and told me to go back in a month. I feel fairly comfortable with that. Im glad I’ve not been experiencing sight problems which is a very clear indicator of the disease.

I applied for a part time as a Teacher Aide, something completely different! My kids and Steve were really suprised, all said I was too impatient! I’m not sure if I’m up to the task to be honest, but the Deputy Principal and Principal seemed pretty confident in me. I’m not sure if I’ll get the role, but it works perfectly around school hours, and I’m enjoying being around for the kids more.

I’m also still considering study. I’ve had the offer from Hamilton and now Massey. I’m still suffering with a lack of confidence although Steve has been very supportive.

It’s a holiday here tomorrow and Steve is away, so I’m going to be enjoying the time with my kids.

End of a chapter

Today was my last day at work. It’d been a good week. I thought it would drag and by today I’d be skipping out the door. But in fact I felt quite sad. Really disappointed that it hadn’t worked out. I really enjoyed the advocacy, just not the toxic environment. My boss was actually unusually really nice to me. Shame she couldn’t have been like that during my employment.

So another chapter closes. I feel I made the right decision, even Steve pointed out that whilst this week was good, if I wasn’t leaving it wouldn’t have been and I would have dreaded every day.

As I left my work car there, Steve picked me up. He had to pick our daughter up as she had an early finish today. We had time for a coffee together; but I could tell Steve was uncomfortable with me. It’s so sad that after so many years together we can’t have a civil conversation together. I miss our chats together. We used to meet regularly for coffee and lunch.

I have an interview for a teacher aide position next week. I’m really not sure about it though. I doubt my ability. I guess my confidence is still low.

I think my depression is marginally better. Not sure if it’s the new anti depressant, leaving my job, or just time. Hopefully it continues. I still find it hard to get up in the morning and get showered, but I push myself everyday.

I’m looking forward to spending more time with my children. I think the job limited me so much. I will only look for part time work moving forwards, but I definitely won’t be unemployed for long. Too much time on my hands is never a good thing!

Resignation

I handed my notice in. It was a difficult decision because of my financial situation and because I do actually enjoy the job, just not the environment, but my mental health is too important and I’m just too miserable.

Today was my first day back following sick and annual leave. I absolutely dreaded it. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist first, and had emailed my boss to that effect. This morning I walked in at 10 and she ripped into me about how I should have been earlier, I told her that I’d said I had an appointment. She obviously hasn’t read the email properly. I thought, here we go. I’ve just come back from sick leave and the first thing she does is jump down my throat in front of everyone. I’ve since learned that my other colleague has also handed her notice in. Now she’s only got one team member left, so it’s going to be difficult for her. With the high turn over and current situation, you’d think questions would be asked. The CEO has also resigned, so I’m not sure how this company will survive. That’s not my problem obviously!

My psychiatrist has put me back on Effexor – the brand, not just a generic. I’m hopeful that this will improve my mood. It’s been a tough few weeks, I’m barely functioning. Today was a real test going into work. I resisted it the whole way. My anxiety was through the roof. The next two weeks are going to be really long.

Steve has taken my children away for a short break. I was devastated when they left. I feel like I should be there. It sickens me to miss out on their experiences and memories. I hate not being in a family anymore.

I did take the kids camping, but I’m not sure that they really enjoyed it. I think they’re too used to their luxuries. My eldest asked to be taken home the next day, and the others just seemed to be enduring it for my benefit. And it was really hard for me. Obviously I had to fight the urges to just lie down and do nothing. It’s really hard having a large family and terrible depression. I cried my eyes out after I’d dropped them off. Another sign I’m failing them as a mother.

I’m not sure what I’ll do next. I’m going to look for part time work. I’ve really lost my way at the moment. I’d love to be able to travel again. That’s where I was happiest. But I couldn’t leave my children.