Living

I know it’s been awhile since I last updated my blog. My emotions have been swinging so quickly like a pendulum it’s been hard to really capture any particular mood. Or any real direction.

After being in the hospital for two nights I went to a respite facility that was actually quite nice. I hadn’t seen my family and I was missing them hugely, but I was on new medication and feeling the effects of that. I swung between being determined to grab life by the horns and give it my best shot and giving up altogether because everything seemed like such hard work. Even typing an entry for this blog felt like a huge amount of energy.

Finally I am back looking after the children and S has gone away. So it’s a case of out of the frying pan into the fire. I’m really enjoying my time with them though, and although I’m more tired than normal I’m making my time with them more special.

I did talk to S while I was here about the possibility of us getting back together and me living here again. Suffice to say it’s not go down well he rejected me out of hand . In fact I was shocked at how quickly he turned me down out of hand. I thought he might at least want to consider it. As he is away anyway every week it makes sense because I’m at the house to look after the children. It’s not only that obviously I do want to repair our marriage and I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to help us get back on track. I want to look at the damage that was caused and throw myself into the repairs. I’m old now and I want my family, I don’t like living alone, and I don’t like spreading the kids out. I just want everything back to normal. It hurt so much when S said no immediately. Although I did choose to tell him at the time he was working under stress for a Time pressured assignment. As the time has gone on I have convinced myself that is the best thing for me to move back , for a myriad of reasons, and gently work on our damaged marriage. But I can’t see S agreeing any time soon so I don’t know what will happen on that front.

As for now I’m taking each day as it comes and enjoying my children and seeing them is my greatest accomplishments.

Photos – games at my house 

Taking the kids out to dinner

Overdose

Taken an overdose. Spent the last two nights in hospital.

At S’s house for tonight, then going to a different respite. Meds have been vamped up.

Yesterday was the worst, felt like I was in the worst hole. Everything was dire.

I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

Anyway, absolutely shattered and have sorted sleep medication too so I won’t be living on maddening fragments of sleep.

Will write more when I’m more with it.

The escape!

I rang the ‘obligatory Maori called’ mental health line Te Haaike (not sure on spelling – but who is??) a few nights ago re my lack of sleep. They advised, ‘download a sleep app on my phone.’ I kid you not.

Today rang at 1.30 and requested my sleep medication be reviewed. A relatively simple process. 

By 5.30 I heard nothing so called back. On hold for several minutes and the cut off.

  • Called again. Cut off.
  • Called again. Cut off.
  • Called again. Cut off.
  • Called again. Cut off.
  • Called again, FINALLY spoke to someone who was going to transfer me. Cut off.
  • They called me back to transfer me. Got cut off.

Now I’m sorry, but people that believe in Jesus over this Easter period, even he would have sworn. If I wasn’t already mental, I’d be driven mental.

Eventually the woman told me a clinician was due to see me. I explained I was at my ex husband’s house and I just needed a prescription delivered to the local pharmacy. No comprenda. No anglais was spoken presumably. Or I had asked something so complex, even Stephen Hawking would be stumped. 

I was non too happy. Add too much food, and an ex husband with a non complimentary dialogue and my fuse blew.

I stormed into respite declaring Te Haaike was crap and launched onto my bed in tears. Did anyone come and see me? No they just wanted to know if I wanted dinner – that I’d called them earlier about and said I was having dinner with my family.

Incensed I began throwing my stuff in my car. Rain pouring, maniacal packing. The staff were either too shocked or recovering from labotomies to say anything.

I drove like a woman possessed through the rain, freedom in my blood.

I’m now home and enjoying a nice glass of cab sav, after a warm shower. It’s all very ostentatious!

Where is the mad woman??

Left behind. I need my home, I need my bed and I NEED a good nights sleep, which my current tipple will provide. If in doubt, self medicate!

I intend to read my kindle and put my phone on silent. I’m not suicidal. I’m just a woman with a desire to sleep that hasn’t been heard and won’t shout any longer.

My suffering is complex.

Brought about by a brutal rape, my parents that I’d regarded as my protectors letting me down. Not offering the support and guidance that I needed, that might have changed the course of my healing.

The abuse of an ex, with his wicked temper, the physical attacks and the sexual humiliation.

Alone in the world, no trust, no basis to build a relationship I travelled alone. Sensing an emptiness but unsure how to find my completion.

A terrible experience through an attempt at justice later on. The cop with his shrewd words, promises of protection, eager to care for me and offer me solace when my husband seemed so distracted by work. Groomed, boundaries broken.

A marriage over.

A girl left broken.

I’m a girl in a woman’s body. Afraid. Untrusting and like a full 180, I am empty and alone.

Seeking solace in the wrong places.

But I’m so guarded. I don’t trust easily. Everyone is a wolf to me, eager to feed on my flesh and drain my blood.

I want to move invisibly through life, I want to be left alone. Yet who will hear my cries in the night?

Does anyone care? 

I’m a broken girl in a woman’s body. Im empty, im afraid and I will never trust again.

Why did this happen to me? Why? 

Respite II

When I was in the UK, I was hospitalised with PTSD and depression. I’ve referred to it before The Priory.

There are two private hospitals in NZ that I know of (not in Wellington) but they are incredibly expensive.

Here in state funded respite I have a private room and shared bathroom/kitchen facilities 


I provided the fan! I can only sleep with moving air – even in winter. And I just had my bedding changed because clean sheets are important to me. I also launder my clothes regularly.

Here I am getting much needed rest. 

As it is Good Friday I went to see my children today at about 11 AM it was so good to see them again as I’ve missed them so much.


But I couldn’t keep my eyes open and kept dozing off. I felt really discouraged and disappointed that I was like this. My brain can’t seem to process too much stimuli at any one time. So I kept my time with them brief as it’s going to be a long weekend. I arrived back at respite and sat reading my book in front of the heater, because I didn’t feel able to warm myself up. I stayed in the lounge as there was some comfort in the comings and goings of people. Even though I usually see it as intrusive and even unsafe, I wasn’t quite ready for the isolation of my bedroom.

I’ve tucked into another Dean Koontz as I know I’ll be rewarded with a long and engaging read. Although my concentration faulters, I do my best to absorb what I can. And reading has always been my greatest form of escapism.

S’s mother has finally left the building! Leaving the house smelling like a brothel – tone down the perfume woman! The kids were glad she left, apparently it was quite the struggle for her. Welcome to my world!

S hasn’t been overly supportive nor caring about my situation. I’m sure he’d prefer his mother to just move in and then they could live in harmony together!

He’s removed his interest quite consciously – a move no doubt initiated by his mother. I feel the loss, I liked it when he cared. But he’s an ex, what can I do?

I’m looking forward to seeing the kids tomorrow. I’ll probably keep it relatively short again so I can spend longer on Sunday.

I do hope they grow up to understand.

Tired

Today I haven’t felt like doing anything at all. I sat in the lounge and read for a bit until I dozed off. I was absolutely shattered and I went into my bedroom where I continued to sleep. Perhaps I have been trying to do more then I’m ready to do in an attempt to get better as soon as possible. I do feel better for my sleep, but frustratingly I still feel tired, but I’m suffering with insomnia again. I did manage to do laundry so I’ve got clean clothes and even clean sheets on my bed which is really lovely.

I don’t know what all of this means for me. My ex’s mother is still at the house so I haven’t been able to visit the kids yet, I really hope I can see them tomorrow because I miss them dreadfully.

Everyone has battened down the hatches in preparation for the Cyclone moving through New Zealand. Frankly it’s all seems overly dramatic, there are far worse storms in other countries.

I felt very tired, very restless, very disappointed that I feel like this. Again I’m left wondering if the low will never pass. At least I didn’t push myself to go to the day program again. I obviously really needed the break. So I guess it’s about trying to find a good pace. Not too much, not too little. Trial and error. Perhaps if I stop trying to work to timelines that might help. I think ‘I’m in respite until Tuesday- must be better by then’ etc.

Writings of a stranger

I just found this under a chair 


The quotes (from top right)

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reason to be missed 

Don’t resent me and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest 

Linkin Park 

—-

A pen cannot be erased. A rose may die and origami may rip or soak or bend, but pen alone cannot be erased.

It’s hard not to think of the person that left this behind. Did they leave well? Were they happy in the end?

It’s reassuring that these dark thoughts come to so many people.

This room has seen a lot of tortured souls